“I wanted to create a movie – to write and produce a movie – that could go out to a much broader audience and nobody’s going to walk out of there thinking, ‘Wow, I just got preached at for two hours.’ It’s not going to be like that,” LaLonde claims. “That was the main reason for wanting to do this was wanting to tell this really cool story but to tell it outside of, you know, just the walls of the church. To reach out to everybody and share this really cool story.”

Hattie Durham (Nickey Whelan) and Rayford Steele (Nicolas Cage) didn’t think their adulterous plans would be so apocalyptic.

So basically he’s saying he doesn’t want to just preach to the choir this time. He wants to use a well-known actor in hopes of reaching a much larger theatrical congregation. Considering the movie starts out with a Jesus freak perusing the Christian section of an airport bookstore before accosting famous journalist Buck Williams (Chad Michael Murray) to warn him about the trials and tribulations to come, it’s immediately clear that LaLonde is wrong about the preachiness of this movie. Then we’re introduced to Chloe Steele (Cassi Thomson) who is flying in to visit her mother Irene (Lea Thompson) and father Rayford (Cage). Irene has recently taken a fanatical religious turn that has pushed Rayford, a jumbo jet pilot, into the arms of a buxom young flight attendant named Hattie (Nickey Whelan). At least that’s the direction things appear to be going as he removes his wedding ring before captaining a flight to London (with Hattie in tow) that departs just after Chloe’s arrival. The fact that Rayford has forgotten that his daughter is coming to visit is incredibly inconsiderate. And the fact that he likely plans on having an extramarital affair does not make him look any better. But those buttons on Hattie’s blouse look like they’re constantly about to pop, so who can blame him?

Given LaLonde’s claims that this version of Left Behind would be more like an episode of The Twilight Zone than an after school special about the dangers of sin, I tried desperately to overlook the religious messages that bombarded me from the outset of the film. He was right about one thing, though. This movie is not a “thinly disguised sermon” at all. It’s about as heavy-handed as a Jehovah’s Witnesses knocking on your door on a Saturday morning.

Irene Steele (Lea Thompson) uses faith, not a DeLorean, to see the future this time.

Looking past the religious overtones, Left Behind is still just a terrible movie. It’s obvious that a majority of the movie’s budget was spent on getting established stars like Cage and Thompson, as well as the ensemble of attractive younger actors. And the rest of the movie suffers for it. Vic Armstrong is known for his impressive resume as a stuntman. As a director, however, he’s done very little of note. Left Behind is no exception. When chaos erupts as people start vanishing, the crashing planes and other special effects are comically unconvincing. The score is terribly distracting and rarely, if ever, matches up with what’s going on in the movie. And don’t even get me started on the finer details, such as a cheesy family photo of the Steele’s that looks like it was Photoshopped by a fourth grader.

Perhaps the worst part of Left Behind is the fact that the major Christian characters are portrayed as crazy people whose religious influence on those around them is mostly negative. Most of the people, ahem, left behind after the Rapture are, in turn, portrayed as compassionate people who care about the welfare of those around them, even if they’ve just met them. But maybe I’m just looking at this the wrong way. I mean, a lot of meaningful relationships are being established in the wake of the Rapture. And those who didn’t disappear no longer have to worry about being confronted by strangers at the airport or by fanatical family members at home. Am I supposed to believe these survivors are going to start their own utopia now that everyone else is gone and they have nothing left to lose? I’m sure the two planned sequels will prove otherwise, but that conclusion is just as logical as the one LaLonde intended. If you want to see an incredible movie (with an equally good soundtrack) about a vanishing person, go see Gone Girl instead (and read my review here).