I’ve been wanting to see Chyna in this She-Hulk movie for so long that I got really mad when this DVD’s release was delayed. But I think that might have been a work since I’m sure Vivid wanted to release this movie closer to WrestleMania in case Vince decided to induct Chyna into the WWE Hall of Fame this year. It obviously didn’t help, though, since Trish is going in this year. I wonder who might induct Chyna when she finally goes in. Maybe it will be Trips or Steph since they seem to be on good terms again after that Queen of the Ring DVD I reviewed.

Gracie Glam is no Chyna, but snotrage doesn't seem to mind her portrayal of She-Hulk's alter ego Jennifer Walters. Photo courtesy Vivid Entertainment.

Anyway, when I finally got this She-Hulk DVD I was so excited. I mean, after seeing Chyna with green skin in The Avengers, I knew she would be great when she finally got the chance to star in her own movie as She-Hulk. But I have to say I was a little bit disappointed and confused. If this movie is supposed to be about She-Hulk, why don’t we even see Chyna until, like, halfway through the damn thing? And then, instead of seeing her fight bad guys and stuff, the first thing she does is go visit some scientist guy from the Fantastic Four because he tried to cure her cousin, the Hulk. While he’s looking at She-Hulk’s blood under a microscope or whatever, the Invisible Woman makes herself not invisible and introduces herself to She-Hulk in another room. They get to know each other pretty well for, like, the next 20 minutes, but I had to take a few breaks before they were done. As much as I enjoyed this part of the movie, it didn’t seem like Chyna was  very interested in getting to know the Invisible Woman.

I guess I should have started my review at the beginning of the movie, but just like when I first got my copy of The Avengers, I had to skip straight to the parts with Chyna. I was surprised that Chyna wasn’t in the movie from this beginning, though. Instead, the movie starts with some lady named Jennifer Walters in a hospital bed because she’s been attacked by some people and doesn’t know why. But there’s a detective there when she wakes up and he tells her that the doctor said she had a blood transfusion before she was dropped off at the hospital. Then she remembers that she had seen her cousin Bruce Banner earlier that day. Then it flashes back to when she was meeting with the district attorney before that. She’s trying to convince the DA to give her what she wants in some trial or something, then she helps convince him how to close the deal. It takes about 20 minutes, and right after that her cousin shows up and tells her he’s really the Hulk.

When the Invisible Woman (Alexis Ford) becomes visible and gets to know She-Hulk, snotrage gets particularly excited. Photo courtesy Vivid Entertainment.

The next few minutes are kind of boring because it’s just two people talking. Then it goes back to Jennifer at the hospital. Some guys wearing sunglasses are waiting outside of her room and one of them says something to the nurse behind the counter. Then the nurse takes the security guard into this room with X-rays on the walls because she’s always wanted to be with a cop. It turns out this is just a distraction so the guys with sunglasses can go into Jennifer’s room. But when they go in there and attack her she turns into She-Hulk and beats them up! I enjoyed the part with the cop and the nurse, but if I had known it was keeping me from seeing Chyna I would have skipped right past it. Well, no, actually I wouldn’t because the cop and nurse were pretty good.

After She-Hulk beats the two bad guys up, she jumps out of the window all the way down to the ground. Then she turns back into Jennifer and sees a poster about Mister Fantastic and the Invisible Woman coming to town. That’s how she knows to go visit them and try to get Mr. Fantastic (he’s the scientist I mentioned earlier) to figure out why she turns into She-Hulk. After she shows up at their hotel room, she shows them how she transforms and that’s the part where Chyna and the Invisible Woman (she makes herself not invisible after she answers the door) go to the other room. I watched this scene again because it’s pretty good. I guess I could have skipped it since I had already watched it when I first put the DVD in, but, you know.

After She-Hulk and the Invisible Woman (when she was actually invisible, she should have said, “You can’t see me” like John Cena) finish getting to know each other, She-Hulk’s lips aren’t green anymore. I don’t really understand why that is, but I think maybe it’s because she was about to turn back into Jennifer. Because the next part shows Jennifer getting in her car and saying that maybe she doesn’t want to be cured after all. Then some guy with yellow dishwashing gloves grabs her from the backseat, then it shows Jennifer strapped to some lab table or something while these two guys in green bodysuits with masks and yellow hoods are talking. At first I thought maybe these guys were more Hulks, but they’re just wearing green suits. Then some lady with green lips is telling one of the guys in a green suit that she wants to create her own super soldiers. She sounds kind of like Aksana and calls this guy Neal and he gets down on his knees in front of her for some reason. Then she gets kind of mean and pushy and he calls her Madame Hydra and does whatever she wants him to do. I didn’t get a chance to ask my cousin who this Hydra lady was, but it seems like she’s the leader of the bad guys. But even when she’s being bossy to the guy in the green bodysuit, it seems like he actually kind of likes it. And after she finishes making him do stuff, her lips aren’t green anymore either. But that’s just because she was wearing green lipstick and some of it came off.

She-Hulk meets Hawkeye (Eric Masterson), who has some interesting ways of inducting her into The Avengers. Photo courtesy Vivid Entertainment.

When those other guys in green bodysuits start trying to give Jennifer a shot with a needle, she turns into She-Hulk and escapes. Then she sees Hawkeye in the alley and they sort of recognize each other. He tells her he’s recruiting for a new West Coast Avengers and I guess there’s an initiation process or something because She-Hulk gets kind of angry and rips part of Hawkeye‘s costume. It causes a little bit of a wardrobe malfunction, but it doesn’t seem like She-Hulk is angry about that. For some reason they go back inside and get on top of the lab table that Jennifer was strapped to before. Then they start doing experiments or something. I’m not sure why She-Hulk wouldn’t let those guys in green bodysuits poke her, but she does let Hawkeye poke her. I guess maybe it’s another part of the initiation into the Avengers, but She-Hulk looks like she’s pretty bored while it’s happening. And it looks like some of She-Hulk’s green starts to rub off on certain parts of Hawkeye, but I don’t think he’s a Hulk or anything like that. Either way, this part was pretty good and I actually watched it a few more times because I like seeing Chyna as She-Hulk in action.

Remember how I told you a while back, when I reviewed The Avengers, that when Chyna played She-Hulk in The Avengers they even painted her nipples green? Well, I don’t know if they did that in this She-Hulk movie because you never actually see her nipples. I was hoping to see her nipples in this movie, especially since I read on some of the dirt sheets that this would be Chyna’s last Vivid movie because she’s going to teach English in Japan (#legit). So this might be the last time I get to see Chyna play She-Hulk, or in any movie, for that matter. But it seems like she joined the West Coast Avengers after Hawkeye finished poking her. And the She-Hulk DVD comes with a comic book that shows her getting poked by Wolverine, Spider-Man, Iron Man and other Avengers. So maybe she will be in that movie when it comes out. By then Vince will probably own Vivid and put out the next Chyna movie through WWE Studios. That’s probably why Chyna is moving to Japan, actually. That way she can ride out her Vivid contract until it gets picked up by WWE Studios, then she can try to get in next year’s Hall of Fame class. I think Sean Waltman should induct her.

www.vivid.com/vivid-parody/she-hulk-xxx-a-porn-parody