Since my buddy Jonathan reviewed the new Spider-Man movie when it was in the theater, I didn’t get a chance to see it. But since I did such good review of The Avengers, he let me review this new Spider-Man DVD. Man, I was really surprised to see that the new villain is Superman! I mean, they’re both good guys, so shouldn’t they be teaming up? There are a lot of team-ups that happen in this movie, but surprisingly Superman and Spider-Man never tag team anybody.

There are actually a lot of heels for Spider-Man to fight in this movie. After he catches a couple of robbers, he’s attacked by Black Cat on a rooftop. Things get pretty rough between them, but it seems like rough battles like this one make this little pussy purr, if you know what I mean. After Spider-Man shoots his web all over her chest, she says she will see him around and jumps off the building.

When Spider-Man goes back home, his Spidey sense tingles because Doctor Octopus is up to something. Then you see Lex Luthor (I wonder if that’s where Lex Luger got his name) and his secretary Miss Teschmacher talking about shooting two missles so Superman can only stop one. But then Supergirl shows up and Lex Luthor puts a kryptonite necklace on her. Lex leaves to fix the trajectory of his missile or something, so Supergirl tells Teschmacher she’ll do anything she wants if she takes the kryptonite necklace off of her. They take more than the necklace off so Teschmacher can get what she wants from Supergirl, but she keeps telling Teschmacher she can do whatever she wants, so she does. Teschmacher looks a lot different in this movie than she does on her TNA profile. I think this might even be a fake Tessmacher, kind of like when WWE had a fake Diesel and Razor Ramon when Kevin Nash and Scott Hall went to WCW.

Lex Luthor and Doctor Octopus get arrested somehow and end up across from each other in jail and realize they have a lot in common. Then Lex breaks them out with this explosive thing he has hidden under his skin or something. Then it goes to The Daily Bugle, where Peter Parker works. He’s actually Spider-Man, but nobody knows that. Lois Lane and Clark Kent are there, too. They actually work at The Daily Planet (and Clark Kent is actually Superman), but the two newspapers are working together on an article about Lex and Doc breaking out of prison. Lois tells Clark that Parker’s boss, J. J. Jameson, makes her think of her favorite porn star, which made me pop. But Clark breaks kayfabe and tells Lois that Jameson isn’t the porn star’s real name.

I watched part of that other Spider-Man movie with my cousin last week and he told me the guy playing J. J. Jameson (that makes me think of J. J. Dillon!) is Rob Black and he used to run Xtreme Pro Wrestling. I never saw XPW, but I heard it was pretty good. I’m sure Vince already owns all that footage, too. Anyway, then Lois Lane and Betty Brant almost get into a fight and I started screaming, “Cat fight! Cat fight! Cat fight!” like Joey Styles!

Lex and Doc kidnap Lois so Superman will come save her, but they tell him they will only let her go if he brings Spider-Man to them. So Superman finds Spider-Man’s friend Mary Jane Watson and convinces her and her friend Liz Osborn to let him come inside so they can reveal where Spider-Man is. They end up revealing a lot more than that! Then Superman finds Spider-Man and takes him to Doc and Lex, but the heels have a kryptonite trap waiting and capture both of them. Lex makes a deal with Lois to set Superman free, so she does what he wants her to do. Lex let’s Lois out of her cage and it takes them little while but, I mean, you know. But Lex still tries to kill Superman, then Spider-Man wakes up. Lex and Doc are overpowering Spider-Man and Superman, then Spider-Woman shows up and saves the day.

Superman flies away with Lois, but Spider-Man and Spider-Woman get tangled up in a pretty amazing web for a while before Spider-Man squirts his webbing on Spider-Woman’s chest. Seems like that’s how these Spider-People show affection or something. I mean, you know. Then it shows some guy sitting in a dark room and holding a green mask, so I guess that will be the villain in the next movie. Maybe it has something to do with Chyna’s She-Hulk movie since her skin is green, too. Either way, I like this edgier version of Spider-Man and I’ll probably watch the next movie even if Chyna’s not in it.

www.vivid.com/vivid-parody/superman-vs-spiderman-xxx-a-porn-parody