Author Archives: snotrage

Schumer shines as a sort of hot mess in “Trainwreck”

Leave a reply

TrainwreckWhen I was watching Raw the other night, they showed a commercial for this new movie called Trainwreck. At first I was like, “Why are they showing this commercial while I’m watching WWE?” Then I saw that John Cena was in it and I figured I should go see this movie.

Trainwreck stars Amy Schumer. I think she’s a comedian or something. I remember reading on one of the dirt sheets that she used to date Dolph Ziggler, but she broke up with him because the sex was too athletic. I mean, he is “The Showoff,” you know. If a cougar like Vickie can handle Dolph, it seems like Amy would be able to. Now Lana seems to be enjoying herself with him.

Anyway, my cousin told me there was an episode of Total Divas or something where Nikki got upset because John Cena has a nude scene in this movie. Remember when I went to see Magic Mike XXL because I thought Cena played a stripper, but it was actually Channing Tatum? Well, Trainwreck kind of makes up for what I missed out on because Cena plays Schumer’s boyfriend and has a funny sex scene where she keeps her top on but you get to see Cena’s butt. I usually hate Cena, but he’s pretty good in this movie.

TrainwreckSo, Cena breaks up with Amy because he finds out she’s been cheating on him. They have this argument in a movie theater and a guy in the back row (Keith Robinson) calls Cena Mark Wahlberg, which I popped for. I’ve always thought Cena looked kind of like Marky Mark (I wonder if he’s a wrasslin’ mark), especially since they were both white rappers before they started pandering to kids. Then Cena calls the other guy Koko B. Ware and I stood up and started doing the arm flappy thing right there in the theater!

After Cena breaks up with Amy, she has to interview this sports doctor for a magazine article she’s writing. She actually hates sports, which is weird since she was just dating a wrestler and wrestling is a real sport. This doctor (Bill Hader) is friends with LeBron James, who is always giving him advice, especially after the doctor starts dating Amy. Amy is kind of jealous of the cheerleaders that are friends with her new boyfriend. I wonder if that’s a rib on Dolph since he used to be a cheerleader in the Spirit Squad.

TrainwreckSince she is used to having one-night stands and stuff, Amy doesn’t know how to react to a nice guy who likes her. She doesn’t like relationships because when she was a kid her dad told her it’s impossible to stay with one person. Her dad is played by Colin Quinn, who I remember from Remote Control.

After Amy walks out to take a phone call from her magazine editor (Tilda Swinton) while the doctor is giving an acceptance speech for an award he won, he gets mad at her. They have a fight and the doctor doesn’t get much sleep and almost screws up a surgery he’s supposed to do the next day. They sort of break up, but LeBron keep telling the doctor that he should talk to Amy. Amy misses him, too. I don’t want to spoil the ending, but she decides to get some spirit of her own to show the doctor how much she misses him.

My cousin thinks Trainwreck is really funny. I think it’s pretty good, too. But I mostly just like the parts with John Cena. I mean, I already knew he was pretty funny. But maybe when he decides to retire from wrasslin’ he can keep doing movies like this one. Or maybe they’ll make another Magic Mike and he can be in that.

“Magic Mike XXL” is this summer’s feel-good coming of (middle) age story

Leave a reply
Channing Tatum returns as Magic Mike in "Magic Mike XXL". Photo by Claudette Barius.

Channing Tatum returns as Magic Mike in “Magic Mike XXL”. Photo by Claudette Barius.

I’m not gay or nothing, but I really liked the first Magic Mike movie a few years ago. At first I only went to see it because I thought John Cena was the star. Then I realized that was actually Channing Tatum, who was in those G.I. Joe movies with The Rock. He also played a wrassler in that Foxcatcher movie. So, he’s pretty good. But then I saw that Kevin Nash was in it, and it’s just too sweet to see Big Sexy getting some screen time.

Since I thought the first movie was pretty good, I figured I’d Magic Mike XXL, too. I’m actually trying to get down to a size XXL T-shirt. I used to wear 6X, but now I’m down to 5X. Been eatin’ a little better, you know. MMXXL takes place three years after the first movie, which actually came out three years ago. Magic Mike has gotten out of the stripper industry and handles his wood a lot. I realize how that sounds, but what I mean is that he has become a carpenter. He said he wanted to build furniture in the first movie, so I guess he has grabbed that brass ring and is living the dream.

Kevin Nash stars as Tarzan in "Magic Mike XXL". Photo by Claudette Barius.

Kevin Nash stars as Tarzan in “Magic Mike XXL”. Photo by Claudette Barius.

Tarzan (that’s Kevin Nash’s gimmick) calls him one day and says the Kings of Tampa are getting the band back together to compete in a stripper contest in Myrtle Beach. Dallas (Matthew McConaughey, not Page) is no longer the leader of their faction, but it looks like the rest of the stable is back. Even Gabriel Iglesias, who is friends with Dallas Page in real life, is back as a food truck vendor. Even though he’s been doing DDP Yoga, he’s still not in as good a shape as the rest of this clique. I guess that’s why they call him Fluffy.

So they leave Tampa in the food truck for what turns into more of a road trip adventure than a stripper movie. One of the first things they decide to do before they get to Myrtle Beach is to change their gimmicks up a little bit. So they actually end up throwing all their gimmicks from the first movie out the window before Fluffy falls asleep at the wheel and wrecks the food truck. Then they go to Savannah to visit Mike’s old friend Rome (Jada Pinkett Smith), who runs a private male strip club. She basically becomes their manager, helps them come up with new gimmicks and adds a few of her boys to the stable.

Before they get to Myrtle Beach, they meet up with Nancy (Andie MacDowell) and her friends so they can practice their spots, if you know what I mean. When they get to the stripper convention, Elizabeth Banks is running the show and isn’t going to let them in. Then she sees Rome and I guess they have some history because then she lets them in. (I haven’t seen Pitch Perfect 2 yet because I never saw the first one. But did you know Banks directed that movie, and that Lana is in it? It might be pretty good.)

Joe Manganiello is Big Dick Richie in "Magic Mike XXL". Photo by Claudette Barius.

Joe Manganiello is Big Dick Richie in “Magic Mike XXL”. Photo by Claudette Barius.

At first it looks like the Kings of Tampa might not go over. There’s some other group doing a Twilight gimmick that the crowd is really popping for. Big Dick Richie (Joe Manganiello) gets mad and calls it “vampire bullshit,” which is funny because my cousin told me Big Dick played a werewolf on True Blood. I also saw him on Raw one time, and I think he was in a WWE movie with Mr. Kennedy.

The Kings of Tampa end up showing that they are true veterans of this business and the crowd lets them know they’ve still got it. A lot of times it looks like they are doing wrestling moves on women from the audience, but they’re working pretty light so no one actually gets hurt. The dirt sheets say Ric Flair was supposed to be in this movie, but I didn’t see him. But I definitely would have popped to see The Nature Boy stylin’ and profilin’ on the big screen. Still, Magic Mike XXL is a feel-good movie that plays out like a wrasslin’ angle about workers who are a little past their primes getting one last run before they ride off into the sunset. I mean, it makes me feel pretty good.

Genetically enhanced dinosaurs do battle in “Jurassic World”

Leave a reply
Photo courtesy of Universal Pictures and Amblin Entertainment.

Photo courtesy of Universal Pictures and Amblin Entertainment.

Even though I mostly watch wrasslin’, I’ve been pretty excited about Jurassic World for a while now. This movie picks up 22 years after Jurassic Park, with a new company opening a dinosaur theme park called Jurassic World on the same island from the first movie. But it’s been open so long that seeing a gigantic Mosasaur is no more exciting than seeing Shamu at Sea World. So these scientists create the Indominus rex, which is a hybrid dinosaur mutant that’s even bigger and scarier than the Tyrannosaurus rex!

So, the Indominus rex figures out a way to hide from the thermal cameras and trick everyone into thinking it has escaped its enclosure. (I’m not a scientist or anything, but I’m pretty sure reptiles are cold blooded, and this dinosaur is basically a giant reptile. So why would they be using thermal cameras in the first place?) Some people go in to figure out how it escaped, only to find out that it’s still in there with them. Then it actually does escape because the people open this big door to try and get out and the dinosaur gets through before it closes all the way. It’s kind of like when a wrestler hides under the ring during a battle royal, then gets back in the ring and throws the last guy over the top rope.

Photo by Chuck Zlotnick.

Photo by Chuck Zlotnick.

Owen (Chris Pratt) is one of the people that falls for the Indominus rex’s trick. He already ripped off Harrison Ford’s Han Solo gimmick in Guardians of the Galaxy, now he’s ripping off Ford’s Indiana Jones gimmick in this movie. He’s been training the Velociraptors like dogs, so park manager Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) asks him to help her figure out how to catch the Indominus rex. But she forgets about her nephews (Nick Robinson and Ty Simpkins) and they end up stuck in this big hamster ball ride until the Indominus rex tries to eat them.

After the two kids escape, they find the old Jurassic Park. They somehow get a 1992 Jeep that hasn’t been started in more than 20 years running within, like, an hour or so. Just when it looks like they are reaching safety, a bunch of winged dinosaurs escape and start killing people all over the park. Some of these things must be hybrids, too, because they look like pterodactyls with little T. rex heads. Then this heel InGen security guy (Vincent D’Onofrio) takes over the park and plans on using Owen’s raptors to kill the Indominus rex. Owen’s a good guy, so he doesn’t want to do that. But since he’s the only one who can control the raptors, he has to go along with the plan. So, he rides into battle on a motorcycle alongside the raptors, even though they almost killed him earlier in the movie when he saved a guy who fell into their enclsoure.

Photo courtesy of ILM/Universal Pictures and Amblin Entertainment.

Photo courtesy of ILM/Universal Pictures and Amblin Entertainment.

There are a lot of parts of Jurassic World that remind me of Aliens, especially when a bunch of soldiers looking for the Indominus rex at night in the jungle all have trackers and helmet cameras like the Marines in Aliens. And they all get killed just like the Marines in Aliens. Then the raptors show up to fight the Indominus rex, but the Indominus rex has some raptor genes in it and is able to make the raptors turn heel and attack the humans. The next part is a total swerve, so I’m not going to spoil it for you. But I popped big time at the surprising face turn by a true Jurassic Park veteran during the main event of the movie.

Jurassic World is a pretty good movie. I mean, these dinosaurs are some pretty good workers and they put on good performances with a lot of high spots. I don’t really know if all the science stuff is accurate, but it has some insane action and fight scenes.

www.jurassicworldmovie.com

“She-Hulk XXX: An Axel Braun Parody” is finally out, but it may be Chyna’s last Vivid movie

2 Replies

I’ve been wanting to see Chyna in this She-Hulk movie for so long that I got really mad when this DVD’s release was delayed. But I think that might have been a work since I’m sure Vivid wanted to release this movie closer to WrestleMania in case Vince decided to induct Chyna into the WWE Hall of Fame this year. It obviously didn’t help, though, since Trish is going in this year. I wonder who might induct Chyna when she finally goes in. Maybe it will be Trips or Steph since they seem to be on good terms again after that Queen of the Ring DVD I reviewed.

Gracie Glam is no Chyna, but snotrage doesn't seem to mind her portrayal of She-Hulk's alter ego Jennifer Walters. Photo courtesy Vivid Entertainment.

Anyway, when I finally got this She-Hulk DVD I was so excited. I mean, after seeing Chyna with green skin in The Avengers, I knew she would be great when she finally got the chance to star in her own movie as She-Hulk. But I have to say I was a little bit disappointed and confused. If this movie is supposed to be about She-Hulk, why don’t we even see Chyna until, like, halfway through the damn thing? And then, instead of seeing her fight bad guys and stuff, the first thing she does is go visit some scientist guy from the Fantastic Four because he tried to cure her cousin, the Hulk. While he’s looking at She-Hulk’s blood under a microscope or whatever, the Invisible Woman makes herself not invisible and introduces herself to She-Hulk in another room. They get to know each other pretty well for, like, the next 20 minutes, but I had to take a few breaks before they were done. As much as I enjoyed this part of the movie, it didn’t seem like Chyna was  very interested in getting to know the Invisible Woman.

I guess I should have started my review at the beginning of the movie, but just like when I first got my copy of The Avengers, I had to skip straight to the parts with Chyna. I was surprised that Chyna wasn’t in the movie from this beginning, though. Instead, the movie starts with some lady named Jennifer Walters in a hospital bed because she’s been attacked by some people and doesn’t know why. But there’s a detective there when she wakes up and he tells her that the doctor said she had a blood transfusion before she was dropped off at the hospital. Then she remembers that she had seen her cousin Bruce Banner earlier that day. Then it flashes back to when she was meeting with the district attorney before that. She’s trying to convince the DA to give her what she wants in some trial or something, then she helps convince him how to close the deal. It takes about 20 minutes, and right after that her cousin shows up and tells her he’s really the Hulk.

When the Invisible Woman (Alexis Ford) becomes visible and gets to know She-Hulk, snotrage gets particularly excited. Photo courtesy Vivid Entertainment.

The next few minutes are kind of boring because it’s just two people talking. Then it goes back to Jennifer at the hospital. Some guys wearing sunglasses are waiting outside of her room and one of them says something to the nurse behind the counter. Then the nurse takes the security guard into this room with X-rays on the walls because she’s always wanted to be with a cop. It turns out this is just a distraction so the guys with sunglasses can go into Jennifer’s room. But when they go in there and attack her she turns into She-Hulk and beats them up! I enjoyed the part with the cop and the nurse, but if I had known it was keeping me from seeing Chyna I would have skipped right past it. Well, no, actually I wouldn’t because the cop and nurse were pretty good.

After She-Hulk beats the two bad guys up, she jumps out of the window all the way down to the ground. Then she turns back into Jennifer and sees a poster about Mister Fantastic and the Invisible Woman coming to town. That’s how she knows to go visit them and try to get Mr. Fantastic (he’s the scientist I mentioned earlier) to figure out why she turns into She-Hulk. After she shows up at their hotel room, she shows them how she transforms and that’s the part where Chyna and the Invisible Woman (she makes herself not invisible after she answers the door) go to the other room. I watched this scene again because it’s pretty good. I guess I could have skipped it since I had already watched it when I first put the DVD in, but, you know.

After She-Hulk and the Invisible Woman (when she was actually invisible, she should have said, “You can’t see me” like John Cena) finish getting to know each other, She-Hulk’s lips aren’t green anymore. I don’t really understand why that is, but I think maybe it’s because she was about to turn back into Jennifer. Because the next part shows Jennifer getting in her car and saying that maybe she doesn’t want to be cured after all. Then some guy with yellow dishwashing gloves grabs her from the backseat, then it shows Jennifer strapped to some lab table or something while these two guys in green bodysuits with masks and yellow hoods are talking. At first I thought maybe these guys were more Hulks, but they’re just wearing green suits. Then some lady with green lips is telling one of the guys in a green suit that she wants to create her own super soldiers. She sounds kind of like Aksana and calls this guy Neal and he gets down on his knees in front of her for some reason. Then she gets kind of mean and pushy and he calls her Madame Hydra and does whatever she wants him to do. I didn’t get a chance to ask my cousin who this Hydra lady was, but it seems like she’s the leader of the bad guys. But even when she’s being bossy to the guy in the green bodysuit, it seems like he actually kind of likes it. And after she finishes making him do stuff, her lips aren’t green anymore either. But that’s just because she was wearing green lipstick and some of it came off.

She-Hulk meets Hawkeye (Eric Masterson), who has some interesting ways of inducting her into The Avengers. Photo courtesy Vivid Entertainment.

When those other guys in green bodysuits start trying to give Jennifer a shot with a needle, she turns into She-Hulk and escapes. Then she sees Hawkeye in the alley and they sort of recognize each other. He tells her he’s recruiting for a new West Coast Avengers and I guess there’s an initiation process or something because She-Hulk gets kind of angry and rips part of Hawkeye‘s costume. It causes a little bit of a wardrobe malfunction, but it doesn’t seem like She-Hulk is angry about that. For some reason they go back inside and get on top of the lab table that Jennifer was strapped to before. Then they start doing experiments or something. I’m not sure why She-Hulk wouldn’t let those guys in green bodysuits poke her, but she does let Hawkeye poke her. I guess maybe it’s another part of the initiation into the Avengers, but She-Hulk looks like she’s pretty bored while it’s happening. And it looks like some of She-Hulk’s green starts to rub off on certain parts of Hawkeye, but I don’t think he’s a Hulk or anything like that. Either way, this part was pretty good and I actually watched it a few more times because I like seeing Chyna as She-Hulk in action.

Remember how I told you a while back, when I reviewed The Avengers, that when Chyna played She-Hulk in The Avengers they even painted her nipples green? Well, I don’t know if they did that in this She-Hulk movie because you never actually see her nipples. I was hoping to see her nipples in this movie, especially since I read on some of the dirt sheets that this would be Chyna’s last Vivid movie because she’s going to teach English in Japan (#legit). So this might be the last time I get to see Chyna play She-Hulk, or in any movie, for that matter. But it seems like she joined the West Coast Avengers after Hawkeye finished poking her. And the She-Hulk DVD comes with a comic book that shows her getting poked by Wolverine, Spider-Man, Iron Man and other Avengers. So maybe she will be in that movie when it comes out. By then Vince will probably own Vivid and put out the next Chyna movie through WWE Studios. That’s probably why Chyna is moving to Japan, actually. That way she can ride out her Vivid contract until it gets picked up by WWE Studios, then she can try to get in next year’s Hall of Fame class. I think Sean Waltman should induct her.

www.vivid.com/vivid-parody/she-hulk-xxx-a-porn-parody

Edgier take on Spider-Man features surprising new villains and action

2 Replies

Since my buddy Jonathan reviewed the new Spider-Man movie when it was in the theater, I didn’t get a chance to see it. But since I did such good review of The Avengers, he let me review this new Spider-Man DVD. Man, I was really surprised to see that the new villain is Superman! I mean, they’re both good guys, so shouldn’t they be teaming up? There are a lot of team-ups that happen in this movie, but surprisingly Superman and Spider-Man never tag team anybody.

There are actually a lot of heels for Spider-Man to fight in this movie. After he catches a couple of robbers, he’s attacked by Black Cat on a rooftop. Things get pretty rough between them, but it seems like rough battles like this one make this little pussy purr, if you know what I mean. After Spider-Man shoots his web all over her chest, she says she will see him around and jumps off the building.

When Spider-Man goes back home, his Spidey sense tingles because Doctor Octopus is up to something. Then you see Lex Luthor (I wonder if that’s where Lex Luger got his name) and his secretary Miss Teschmacher talking about shooting two missles so Superman can only stop one. But then Supergirl shows up and Lex Luthor puts a kryptonite necklace on her. Lex leaves to fix the trajectory of his missile or something, so Supergirl tells Teschmacher she’ll do anything she wants if she takes the kryptonite necklace off of her. They take more than the necklace off so Teschmacher can get what she wants from Supergirl, but she keeps telling Teschmacher she can do whatever she wants, so she does. Teschmacher looks a lot different in this movie than she does on her TNA profile. I think this might even be a fake Tessmacher, kind of like when WWE had a fake Diesel and Razor Ramon when Kevin Nash and Scott Hall went to WCW.

Lex Luthor and Doctor Octopus get arrested somehow and end up across from each other in jail and realize they have a lot in common. Then Lex breaks them out with this explosive thing he has hidden under his skin or something. Then it goes to The Daily Bugle, where Peter Parker works. He’s actually Spider-Man, but nobody knows that. Lois Lane and Clark Kent are there, too. They actually work at The Daily Planet (and Clark Kent is actually Superman), but the two newspapers are working together on an article about Lex and Doc breaking out of prison. Lois tells Clark that Parker’s boss, J. J. Jameson, makes her think of her favorite porn star, which made me pop. But Clark breaks kayfabe and tells Lois that Jameson isn’t the porn star’s real name.

I watched part of that other Spider-Man movie with my cousin last week and he told me the guy playing J. J. Jameson (that makes me think of J. J. Dillon!) is Rob Black and he used to run Xtreme Pro Wrestling. I never saw XPW, but I heard it was pretty good. I’m sure Vince already owns all that footage, too. Anyway, then Lois Lane and Betty Brant almost get into a fight and I started screaming, “Cat fight! Cat fight! Cat fight!” like Joey Styles!

Lex and Doc kidnap Lois so Superman will come save her, but they tell him they will only let her go if he brings Spider-Man to them. So Superman finds Spider-Man’s friend Mary Jane Watson and convinces her and her friend Liz Osborn to let him come inside so they can reveal where Spider-Man is. They end up revealing a lot more than that! Then Superman finds Spider-Man and takes him to Doc and Lex, but the heels have a kryptonite trap waiting and capture both of them. Lex makes a deal with Lois to set Superman free, so she does what he wants her to do. Lex let’s Lois out of her cage and it takes them little while but, I mean, you know. But Lex still tries to kill Superman, then Spider-Man wakes up. Lex and Doc are overpowering Spider-Man and Superman, then Spider-Woman shows up and saves the day.

Superman flies away with Lois, but Spider-Man and Spider-Woman get tangled up in a pretty amazing web for a while before Spider-Man squirts his webbing on Spider-Woman’s chest. Seems like that’s how these Spider-People show affection or something. I mean, you know. Then it shows some guy sitting in a dark room and holding a green mask, so I guess that will be the villain in the next movie. Maybe it has something to do with Chyna’s She-Hulk movie since her skin is green, too. Either way, I like this edgier version of Spider-Man and I’ll probably watch the next movie even if Chyna’s not in it.

www.vivid.com/vivid-parody/superman-vs-spiderman-xxx-a-porn-parody

“The Avengers” parody features Chyna as She-Hulk

2 Replies

Chyna as She-Hulk (photo courtesy Vivid Entertainment)

When I reviewed Chyna’s new Queen of the Ring DVD and saw the bonus scene from The Avengers with Chyna playing She-Hulk, I knew I needed to get a copy of the new Avengers DVD and review it. And the people at Vivid were so happy with my Queen of the Ring review that they sent me this DVD right away.

Since I never saw The Avengers in the movie theater, I didn’t even know Chyna was in it. I wonder why they didn’t mention that in any of the trailers. She’s one of the best parts of the movie and I always thought she was kind of like She-Hulk anyway when she was in WWE. Anyway, I skipped straight to her scene, where she does some personal training with Thor and his hammer before the team heads out to find her cousin the Hulk. So after I finished watching Chyna’s scene, I started the movie from the beginning. But I didn’t fast forward through Chyna’s scene the second time around because she and Thor really go at each other and it’s fun to watch.

But that part is almost the movie’s climax, so when I went back to the beginning it actually made a little more sense when I got to it again. Nick Fury has assembled The Avengers to track down the Hulk. There are a lot more girls in the Avengers than I thought there were. Most of the movie is about the members preparing for action, so I predict there will be a sequel within a year or two. But at least we have Chyna’s She-Hulk movie to look forward to sometime soon.

After Fury tells everyone what the plan is, Hawkeye and Black Widow seem kind of mad at each other about something she did with Tony Stark (SPOILER ALERT! He’s actually Iron Man). But it turns out that Black Widow still really likes Hawkeye, so she starts showing him how much she likes him before they have to go do battle together. Then Iron Man finds the Hulk in the desert, but Hulk is angry and punches Iron Man 150 miles away. Then Fury gets frustrated because The Avengers were all arguing at the beginning, so he takes his frustrations out on some military girl who I think is, like, his assistant or something. (She kind of looks like Beth Phoenix and Natalya and I would love to see them follow in Chyna’s footsteps and do movies like this one. I mean, they already look like superheroes.) But Fury really gets his frustrations out in a big way. Too bad he doesn’t know how well everyone is actually getting along throughout their base or whatever it is.

Danni Cole is actually one of snotrage's favorite actresses, so he likes her as the Scarlet Witch (photo courtesy Vivid Entertainment)

Speaking of getting along, Ms. Marvel looks great in her costume. And so does the Scarlet Witch, who is practicing her magical mutant powers in the gym. She tries to read Ms. Marvel‘s mind, but she can’t do it. So Ms. Marvel just shows her what she was thinking. Turns out there’s room for both of them to work out together as they start training on the weight bench. Then they start to have some wardrobe malfunctions, but, you know, it was pretty good. And I never read a lot of comic books, but my cousin did and I don’t remember seeing girls practicing their powers on each other like this. But, I mean, you know. It’s a great scene from two more characters that I didn’t even see in the trailers for The Avengers.

The next part is where Thor is mad at the humans and Chyna comes in to show him that some humans are almost as strong as he is. I was wondering how they made her skin all green, but then I watched the behind-the-scenes footage on the second disc and it shows how they did that (they even made her nipples darker than the rest of her skin!). But I already told you about this scene and just thinking about it again makes me need to take a break.

OK, I’m back now and just in time for the grand finale. Spider-Man shows up and is mad that they won’t let him be one of The Avengers. But after he’s by himself, Ms. Marvel tries to make him feel better and he eventually shoots his webbing on her face. I don’t really know why Spider-Woman doesn’t join in on this scene. I mean, she’s hardly even in the movie aside from at the very beginning. But, you know. Somehow Ms. Marvel convinces Fury to let Spider-Man join the team on their next adventure. But I won’t spoil the ending for you because there will definitely be a sequel after Chyna’s She-Hulk movie comes out, which I can’t wait for. I wonder if Hulk Hogan might play Captain America. I think he should. He’d be pretty good.

For more information, go to www.vivid.com/movie/the-avengers-xxx-a-porn-parody.

Chyna’s return to the ring may not be what wrestling fans were expecting

5 Replies

Stephanie McMahon looks a little more enhanced in “Chyna is Queen of the Ring”. Photo courtesy of Vivid Entertainment.

Did y’all know Chyna is still wrestling? I got this new DVD called Chyna is Queen of the Ring and it’s pretty good. It looks like it’s from a pay-per-view called Fucklemania, which features Chyna in two hardcore matches against some of the industry’s biggest legends. I popped at the beginning when Chyna’s in the locker room getting ready for her first match and Vince and Stephanie McMahon walk in. It looks like Chyna’s going to finally get revenge on Vince for firing her, and Steph for marrying Triple H, but they’re all able to do what’s best for business and get really friendly with each other. I never realized Vince had all those tattoos but I guess he’s gotten some since I last saw him with his shirt off. And I’ve always wondered if Steph’s boobs were fake, but now I’m pretty sure they are. But, I mean, you know.

Some people will piss and moan about how this show starts with talking and a backstage vignette. I mean, it’s probably, like, 20 minutes before we even see any in-ring action. But I really like how they’re able to work a spot for that long and you really don’t even realize there hasn’t been any actual wrestling yet. And I hope this whole thing isn’t a work because it seems like Chyna has paid her dues now and can get the proper sendoff and WWE Hall of Fame induction she deserves. I mean, she’s the only woman to ever be Intercontinental Champion and Vince can’t just ignore that. He’s definitely not ignoring her on this DVD! And if he doesn’t already, he will own this footage within 18 months.

It doesn’t take Chyna long to get cleaned up and in the ring for her first Queen of the Ring match, a nine-wrestler gang bang featuring Bret Hart, The Iron Sheik, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, The Rock, Doink the Clown, John Cena (hate you, Cena!) and Chyna. And, I mean, I popped big time when Triple H joined the match because I don’t think he and Chyna have even seen each other since Trips married Steph. I don’t really follow the rules of this match, but all I know is Chyna takes on all these guys at the same time, with “Mean” Gene Okerlund coming out from behind the announce table sometimes to get in on the action. The ring girl also never gets out of the ring and takes care of some of the guys when Chyna has her hands full.

Even though he’s the best there is, best there was and the best there ever will be, the Hitman is first one eliminated from the match. And that was all the reason I needed to start chanting, “You screwed Bret! You screwed Bret!” in my living room. (Why was he on Raw the night before this DVD came out and didn’t even plug it?) The rest of the guys finish the match at the same time for a big finish, but it takes them a long time because Chyna is as tough as ever and is able to handle all these legends at the same time. She has fought some tough battles during her wrestling career and she has the scars to prove it.

Before the Fucklemania main event gets underway, Chyna has to go back to the locker room to get ready for it. When she gets back there, that guy from that Kid Rock video is back there and he’s doing a live sex celebration with some girl. (The only reason I listen to Kid Rock is because he did ‘Taker‘s “American Bad Ass” entrance music.) I think it’s the same ring girl that was part of the gang bang match thing. I don’t remember this guy’s name, but I heard he’s in some new movie with Jerry Lawler. (We’re praying for you, King!) If he was a wrestler I would call him the Hedgehog. Chyna joins the celebration for a few minutes and it’s more hardcore than the Attitude Era or ECW (ECDub! ECDub!)!

Chyna gets ready for her stipulation match – a nine-wrestler gang bang – in “Chyna is Queen of the Ring”. Photo courtesy of Vivid Entertainment.

But then it’s time for the main event and it’s the two biggest legends of all time: Ric Flair (whoooo!) and Hulk Hogan (brother!). Though it’s not the same as the first time I saw Flair and Hogan wrestle, these guys look really good for their age. But then Chyna joins the match and, hey, I think this might be part of the Hulk Hogan sex tape that Vince is going to own in 18 months time. But I didn’t know that sex tape had wrestling. It’s pretty good. But since Vince was in the opening segment, I’m sure he already owns this footage and Chyna’s whole Vivid video library because you know WWE will put out a new Chyna DVD when she comes back to WWE. But he didn’t put this one out under the WWE banner because it doesn’t fit with the company’s current PG rating.

Even though she gets double-teamed and hit from behind for the entire match, Chyna is able to bring out the best in two wrestlers who are past their primes. And in the end (SPOILER ALERT!) Chyna finishes off Hogan and Flair at the same time to win the Fucklemania Championship. I knew she could do it, but it’s a lot of fun watching her overcome the odds to win the Queen of the Ring.

The DVD features a bunch of extra stuff, including a scene from Avengers. I never saw The Avengers, but now I want to see it because Chyna plays She-Hulk, and she has her own She-Hulk movie coming out soon. There’s also a behind-the-scenes documentary that breaks kayfabe a little bit, but it’s pretty cool seeing the workers getting ready for their Queen of the Ring matches. There’s also a photo gallery and some other bonus stuff. I’m just kind of suprised Val Venis wasn’t anywhere on this DVD. For some reason it seems like he should have been included somehow. And it’s weird how all the wrestlers look a little different than usual. I guess maybe they were off the juice going into these matches. But it’s a pretty good show and good to see Chyna back in action.

www.vivid.com/movie/queen-of-the-ring